The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
🤭😂
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Sign of the day..
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”