i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund