Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
What
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
a fate I wish upon no one
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go