Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.