wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
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[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑