According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
You Might Also Like
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Ha.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend