Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
(Musicians.)
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.