My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Extremely relatable.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂