Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
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“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.