men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500