People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Yup!
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.