I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
yeah not falling for this one
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”