I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
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If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
kids play hide and seek like
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.