Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.