Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Thursday
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*