Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.