Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..