To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.