I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.