I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”