[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.