I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Running your mouth is not cardio.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)