The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Oh my God.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’ve been drinking.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened