How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.