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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?