If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
men are simple creatures
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.