I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.