Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
You Might Also Like
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
We need more people like this.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
choose your fighter