don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
wait.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.