Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?