earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
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Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit