My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
water it, i dare you
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*