Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I’m Sold!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
こいつ天才
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.