son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
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Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.