I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
How do dragons blow out candles?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir