Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Jesus Christ lmao
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT