[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
You Might Also Like
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
just witnessed a drug deal
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
boat question
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally