I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down