It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.