Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Jail
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.