hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
house sitting!
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?