4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”