Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
You Might Also Like
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*looks at you in batman voice*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
😆this is so true
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Autocarrot sucks!