getting old is fun
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
What kind of a cult is this?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*