I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”