Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
You Might Also Like
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
starting a garage orchestra
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
wtf is a larm clock?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”