The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 馃檨
My husband says I鈥檓 selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clich茅s.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Mike Tyson鈥檚 apartment building
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it鈥檚 a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.