STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.