[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
You Might Also Like
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.