A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
You Might Also Like
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
pictures of spider-man
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
me and my fake scenarios
Pat is about to own someone
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.